


Worthless

by Sekkara



Category: Rooster Teeth/Achievement Hunter RPF
Genre: Depression, Fluff, M/M, Self-Harm, Sexual Content, drug use and abuse, maybe smut
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-04-02
Updated: 2015-07-21
Packaged: 2018-03-20 23:05:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 5
Words: 12,596
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3668547
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sekkara/pseuds/Sekkara
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ray's life seems to be spiralling downwards, all thanks to a British co-worker of his, and it's not until he's on his death bed that an Angel tries to save him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter one

**Author's Note:**

> Originally this was going to be a Gavin/Ray slash, but I'm twisted o.o
> 
> Joelay ftw <3

Thursday night and the bar was unusually packed with Rooster Teeth staff. Ray sat quietly in the corner, nursing a coke, and watching his friends and co-workers laugh and joke around.

 

His gaze lingered on one colleague in particular, jealously squirming in the pit of his stomach. Gavin Free, an arm slung casually thrown around some girls shoulder and a goofy grin plastered on his face, downed drink after drink, snuggling closer to the girl he was holding.

 

Ray sighed and got to his feet, leaving his drink practically untouched. A couple of people stopped him and asked if he was leaving, but he ignored them and pulled out of their grasp when they caught his arm. He left quickly, pushing passed the crowds of people now swarming the bar, not even stopping when Geoff called out his name and followed after him.

 

It had started to rain and Ray cursed, pulling his hoodie over his head. He zipped it up when an hand caught his shoulder and pulled him back under the balcony and out of the rain. He turned to punch whomever it was in the face, but Geoff’s cheeky, drunken smirk stopped him. He sighed again and pulled his smokes out of his pocket. Geoff frowned.

 

‘Since when did you smoke?’ he asked as the younger man lit his cigarette, sending the waves of smoke out into the rain. ‘I thought you hated that shit?’

 

‘Eh, started a few months back.’ Ray shrugged, looking almost longingly at his apartment building that he could just make out in the distance. ‘What’s up anyways boss, I kinda have to get home.’

 

Geoff frowned again, giving his friend a once over with his eyes. Ray shifted uncomfortably, accidentally blowing smoke in Geoff’s face. The older man waved it away without a second thought.

 

‘Everything okay, Ray? You don’t look so good at the moment. Something bugging you?’

 

‘I’m fine,’ Ray lied, wasting half of his smoke and flicking it out into the rain. ‘Just a cold. I’ll be fine soon.’

 

Geoff glared and shook his head. ‘No, it’s more than that. C’mon buddy, you can tell me.’

 

‘Honestly, Geoff, I’m fine.’ Ray shuffled slowly away from his boss, feeling only slightly guilty lying to the other man. ‘I really got to head out.’

 

Before the older man could say anything else, Ray left, running through the rain in the direction of his apartment building. Geoff called out after him, but the younger man ignored him and the darkness quickly swallowed him up.

 

Ray hurried through the streets, desperate to get home. He wanted to turn back and return to Geoff. Wanted to scream at his boss that no, he wasn’t fine. And yes, there was something wrong. But for all his caring nature, Geoff - and everyone else - would surely turn his back on him when they found out the ugly truth. Just like his dad had.

 

His hoodie dropped from his head as he scrambled inside his building and he bit back at the sob that had been building.

 

 _No_. He thought sternly. _No I’m not gonna cry here. Not where people can see me. Get back to you apartment first you fucking pussy_.

 

Chastising himself for being weak, he raced up the stairs to the third floor. He passed a pair of giggling teenage girls who screamed and jumped back as this soaking wet, angry man came barrelling towards them, face like thunder. He ignored them, the threat of tears too great now, and stormed to his door. He fumbled with his keys, dropping them three times, before he finally managed to unlock the door.

 

He slammed the door loudly behind him, slumped against it and finally let the tears fall.

 

When he was fifteen, he realised he was simply just not into girls. He wanted guys and it was as simple as that. When he started working for RoosterTeeth, almost three years ago, and met Gavin for the first time, he thought he was in love. He had a few secret relationships since then but had never really managed to get Gavin out of his mind. After eighteen months of mindless sex with guys he couldn’t give a shit about, he realised he was well and truly in love with Gavin Free.

 

Of course, he’d never tell Gavin that.

 

Nobody in the company even knew he was batting for the other team and that was how he was planning to keep it. For as long as possible.

 

Breathing heavily, Ray pushed himself away from the door and headed into the bathroom. He relieved himself and flushed, washed his hands and sat on the bathroom floor, leaning back against the drawers under the sink.

 

Watching Gavin slowly make his way through girl after girl was taking its toll on the dark-haired boy; he stopped eating properly and barely slept at night. As a result, he’d lost a large amount of weight at a terrifyingly quick rate and constantly had dark rings beneath his eyes.

 

And the once T-total man had started doing things his friends would never believe; he started drinking when he was alone. He smoked now too, going through almost 40 a day. He’d become addicted to the sleeping pills that didn’t want to do their jobs anymore and the headache pills that had once been used to cure the migraines that followed the sleepless nights.

 

In short, he was a mess.

 

Some of his co-workers had noticed the massive changes, not only in his appearance but also his personality as well; the usually outgoing and all around fun-guy had become quiet and withdrawn, only speaking to others when absolutely necessary. They used to ask him a few times a day if he was okay and tried to get him to talk to them about his problems. They were here for him if he needed.

 

‘I’m fine,’ he’d say, hiding behind a fake smile and waving it off as not important. ‘Just feeling a bit under the weather. Gimme a few days and I’ll bounce back better than before.’

 

Most of them believed him, left him be and got on with their daily tasks. But some of the others - the ones that knew him better - still watched him with concern in their eyes. He shrugged them off, opting to ignore them. He stopped joining them on nights out unless he really couldn’t get out of it, and avoided them as best he could when at work.

 

Geoff, one of the three people that wasn’t fooled by Rays excuses, was constantly on the younger mans back; trying to figure out what was wrong with his friend, trying to get him to talk.

 

So far, Ray had resisted.

 

But that Thursday night, when Ray had seen Gavin with four different girls, he was positive he; felt his heart break. He couldn’t take any more of it. Pain now tugged at his heart-strings and he gripped his chest.

 

Sat in the middle of his bathroom, Ray cried. Cried and cried until he believed he had no more tears. He forced himself to his feet and glared hatefully at his reflection.

 

He sighed and opened the top drawer, pulling out two bottles. He took two pills from each bottle and swallowed them quickly. He pulled a pack of smokes from his pocket and lit it, taking four long pulls while his reflection taunted him.

 

‘ _You’re pathetic_ ,’ he muttered, the smoke making his eyes sting. He took another pull. ‘ _Worthless_.’ He snarled. ‘ _Who would love you?_ ’

 

‘Shut up!’ he shouted, the pills and lack of sleep making him hallucinate. ‘Shut up, shut up, **SHUT. UP!** ’ He bellowed, throwing his fist at the mirror. It shattered and he hissed in pain, blood dripping from his knuckles.

 

Sobbing, he dropped to his knees, clutching his hand close to his chest. The broken mirror pieces cracked underneath him, distracting him from the pain in his hand. The light cause the mirror and he cocked his head to one side, reached down with his uninjured hand and grabbed a large shard. He stared at the shiny surface, smoke behind him making pretty patterns on the mirror. Sharp edges cut into his fingers, but he felt no pain. In fact, it felt.. almost.. good.

 

He pressed the broken shard against his skin and hesitated. There was no going back from this.

 

At 4.37am, Ray Narvaez Jr. slid the shard across his arm. Five times he cut himself and five time he smiled as it dulled the ache in his chest.

 

\---

 

‘I’m really worried about Ray.’

 

This was only about the fifth conversation of this nature that Ray had overheard this week.

 

‘He’s got a bandage over his left arm. He said he’d got it falling down the stairs, but I’m not sure.’

 

It sounded like Geoff was pacing across the room. There was a loud sigh from the other side of the door and what sounded like a can opening. Silence for a few seconds, someone was taking a drink, then…

 

‘I know what you mean.’ The other voice belonged to Joel. ‘He’s not interacting with any of us as much as he used to.’

 

‘He’s quieter in Lets Plays.’ Geoff agreed.

 

Ray sighed. He knew what was coming next. They would try to come up with a plan, anything to get him to talk to them. But before they could, he would make sure he was nowhere to be seen.

 

He left them to their conversation, tears and memories bubbling to the surface. He needed to get out of there. He couldn’t talk to them. They wouldn’t understand. They would think him disgusting.

 

A freak.

 

He needed to get to his bag; the pills in there would calm him down.

 

That and the piece of mirror.

 

That beautiful piece of glass, so stained with his own blood after a week of abuse. The control that piece of glass gave him, the escape, made everything else feel less real.

 

He barrelled into the Achievement Hunter office and shot across the other side of the room. Gavin and Michael jumped at his entrance and watched him scurry to his bag. He rummaged through it for a few seconds, shoved his hoodie in there and turned to leave, ignoring the confused looks from the other two lads.

 

‘Hey Ray, what’s wrong with your - ‘ Gavin was cut short as the younger man stormed out of the office, his bag banging loudly against the door frame. The door slammed shut as the dark-haired boy left. Michael and Gavin shared concerned looks and debated between themselves whether or not they should go after him.

 

Ray, on the other hand, raced down the hall, took a sharp right and stormed passed the reception desk. He could have sworn he heard Michael and Gavin following along behind him, calling his name, but he prayed they weren’t following. Nobody could see what he was about to do.

 

He didn’t want the walls to crumble.

 

He sprinted across the car park, ducking behind cars and trying to steer clear of the other two thirds of Team Lads. He couldn’t see them. Breathing a heavy sigh of relief, he straightened and headed out of the office grounds, took a left and followed the road down. Another left and headed for East 51st street. Crossed the busy road and slunk into Bartholomew District Park. He walked through the trees for five minutes before finding a grown over area.

 

He slid down the trunk of the tree and relaxed slightly, pulling the bottle of pills from his bag. He tipped four into his hand. He gulped them down greedily, not a hundred percent sure what he was taking anymore - he’d taking any and all medication he had in his bathroom cupboard on Sunday and mixed them all together, just taking whatever it was that came out first.

 

He took a long drink of water, spilling some down his front, and felt calmer as he waited for the effects of whatever he just took to kick in. He glanced at his water bottle.

 

 _Funny._ He thought, eying the bottle. _I don’t remember getting that out_.

 

Only half concerned, he pushed the thought from his mind, lit a cigarette (when had he retrieved those, too?) and began carefully arranging his… equipment.

 

The mirror shard placed on his knee, the bottled water went by his left foot, and fresh bandages sat on his bag by his right foot.

 

Without even thinking, he picked up the shard and ran it over his left arm. He didn’t feel the pain anymore and he slid the shard seventeen more times across his arm, admiring the way the blood bubbled up then trickled down his arm, splashing on his jeans.

 

He watched the blood dribble down his arm for a few minutes, the haze of the drugs finally kicking in, then moved onto his right arm.

 

Here he hesitated. He’d not cut his right arm before. He knew it was going to hurt, but his left arm was so used to the sensation that he couldn’t even feel it any more.

 

All the more reason to try the right. He thought to himself, glancing back at his bleeding arm. His vision blurred for a second, making him feel really dizzy. He shook the sensation off, annoyed that the drugs effects were already wearing off. He’d have to start thinking about stronger medication. The illegal kind too, if he really had to.

 

 _How long have I been out here?_ He thought, looking around him. He pulled his phone from his pocket. Forty-four minutes and he had twenty-four missed calls from Geoff. _Oops_.

 

He poured his water over his left arm and quickly bandaged it, not really caring what kind of mess he made of himself, then steeled himself to finally move on to his right arm.

 

Picking up the mirror shard, he hesitated just a second longer, then ran it across his arm. He winced slightly at the first cut, paused again, then carried on like nothing was wrong. He stopped on this arm, just above his wrist and revelled in the feeling for a few minutes, leaning his head back against the tree and closing his eyes.

 

Another fifteen missed calls from Geoff.

 

 _I better get back or I’m not gonna hear the end of this_.

 

He’d been out there, sitting by the tree for almost two hours and no one had come looking for him - missed calls from Geoff not included. He washed and bandaged his right arm, hissing at the sting, bandaged it up with the last of his fresh bandages and pulled his cigarettes from his pocket once more.

 

Lighting it, he glanced at his bag. Buried under his hoodie and poking out ever so slightly, was a lukewarm bev.

 

 _Fuck it. Won’t hurt_. He thought, reaching out and grabbing it. His pills fell out of his bag but he ignored them, opting - for the time being - to wet his throat instead. He opened the can and took a long swig, finishing the first cigarette and quickly lighting another.

 

He took another long drink from his can and looking longingly at the pills.

 

He knew he shouldn’t. He really shouldn’t. He’d already had eight now today. But he was finding it took longer to take effect and then on the end of the spectrum, the effects didn’t last long.

 

‘Fuck it.’ He muttered, shoving his fag haphazardly into his mouth and grabbing the pills from the ground. The bottle opened with a low pop and he tipped four or five into his hand, uncaring about what he was about to take, and dry-swallowed them, letting them settle in his stomach before quickly finishing the last of his bev.

 

He put the second cigarette out in the empty can and got to his feet, world spinning. He waited for the ground to sort itself out and began wiping himself down and throwing everything back into his bag. He pocketed the smokes, threw his hoodie on - making sure the hoodie was up to obscure his eyes - and slung his bag over his shoulder, praying to whatever God existed that he would make it to the end of the work day before he needed another hit of anything.

 

He left the park and crossed back over East 51st, making his way slowly back to the offices, another cigarette caught between his fingers.

 

When he finally reached the car park entrance twenty minutes later (and with a further 7 missed calls from Geoff) he took a deep breath, finished his second cigarette of the walk and flicked it away before finally heading back into the building and back to the lets play he didn’t have the heart to sit through.

 

 


	2. Chapter Two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, here's chapter two. I realise things are kinda fast paced, but this is the first one like this I've done so I hope it doesn't feel too rushed e.e
> 
> But anyways, here goes something...

Ray just could not understand why there weren’t any cars in the car park. He was positive that it was full when he left. It _must_ have been full. Despite everything that had happened in the last two hours, he vividly remembered Gavin and Michael chasing him into a full car park, and the game of hide-and-seek that had ensued until he managed to lose them.

 

So where the bloody hell had all the cars gone?

 

Confused, he walked into the reception. It was abandoned. The phones were ringing off the hook and someone had spilt their coffee all over some important looking papers. Ray frowned, stepping forward and placing the cup right side up on the desk and separating the papers.

 

‘What the fuck...’ Ray muttered, looking around him. He walked further into the building with still no sign of anyone. He reached the kitchen. Someone had been making toast. It had popped and was going cold, the butter and jelly sat on the side - open and ready for use.

 

‘Hello?’ he called out, his voice ringing out in the dead silence of what was usually one of the busiest rooms in the building. Nothing.

 

‘Where…?’ he checked his watch. Almost 3pm. Most days, no body clocked out before 4.30 and he couldn’t wrap his head around the empty building. Where was everyone?

 

Sighing, he gave up and headed into the Achievement Hunter office, dumping his bag next to his desk. _They’ve probably gone out back_. He thought to himself, putting his headphones on. _I’ll just… stay here and get on with some editing_.

 

He was so engrossed in his work that he didn’t notice the other Achievement Hunters return from wherever it was they had been. And suddenly, the headphones were ripped from his head and he was facing a very angry Brit.

 

‘What the hell is wrong with you?’ Gavin shouted. Behind him, Jack and Ryan stood, ready to pull Gavin back if they had to. Though they looked equally as pissed off with him. ‘Do you know how worried we’ve been about you, you fucking moron!’

 

‘I… I just…’ Ray bit his lip and got to his feet, backing up against the desk.

 

‘You just what?’ Gavin shouted, pushing Rays chair out of the way and stepping closer, poking Ray in the chest. ‘You wouldn’t answer Geoff’s calls, we _could not_ find you and we looked everywhere.’ Gavin was practically shaking with rage, his face contorted with anger as he called the younger boy out. ‘Why didn’t you stop when Mi-cool and I called after you?’

 

‘I… I just… wanted some time to myself.’ Ray stammered, gripping tightly at the desk behind him. ‘I… I’m sorry...’

 

Before anyone could stop him, Gavins fist whipped out and connected with Ray’s nose. There was a sickening crunch and blood spurted from Rays nose. Geoff and Michael had been by the door, quietly watching what was going on. They raced forward and grabbed Gavin’s arms, pulling him backwards.

 

‘You wanted time to yourself?’ Gavin shouted, fighting against the two others. Ryan jumped in and helped Ray back to his feet, checking his injury. Tears swam in Rays eyes but he would not cry in front of the others. He couldn’t. Jack took up a protective stance between Gavin and Ray, stopping the Brit from getting any closer. ‘What was wrong with telling Mi-cool and me that? You fucking prick! You fucking left and you looked fucking terrified. We fucking ran after you, calling for you!’

 

‘Gavin, calm the fuck down.’ Geoff shouted, pulling the younger man to the door. ‘Get the fuck out of here and don’t come back in.’

 

‘Are you firing me?’ Gavin shouted incredulously, staring at his boss in disbelief.

 

‘No. But you didn’t need to punch Ray. That was out of line.’ A crowd had formed outside the Achievement Hunter office, watching the commotion play out. ‘Michael, take him home please. And stay with him.’ Michael nodded, leading the seething Brit out of the office. ‘I’ll deal with you later.’ Geoff called after them.

 

As the shouts of ‘get the fuck off me, Mi-cool’ faded, Geoff made his way to Ray. He told Jack and Ryan he could handle it and to go get themselves a drink or something. Anything to get them out of the office and leave him alone with the youngest Achievement Hunter. Geoff placed a hand on Rays shoulder and the younger man immediately shrugged it off.

 

‘I’m fine, Geoff.’ Ray snapped, grabbing his bag.

 

‘You’re not going anywhere.’ Geoff said, snatching Ray’s bag from him and throwing it across the room. Ray watched it nervously, praying nothing would fall out and expose him for the weak asshole he was. ‘Not until you tell me what happened today?’

 

‘N-nothing happened.’ Ray stammered, unable to meet his boss’ eyes. He looked at his feet and picked at his fingernails. ‘H-honestly. I just wanted some… me time.’

 

‘And the look you had as you left?’ Geoff asked, sitting in Michaels chair and folding his arms over his chest. ‘It really scared Michael and Gavin. Despite what a fucking prick he was just being, Gav was really worried when you left. We all were.’

 

‘I… I don’t know what they’re talking about...’ Ray lied, still not looking at the older man. Geoff sighed and rubbed at his eyes.

 

‘Let’s get you cleaned up.’ he said at last, taking Rays wrist and leading him from the room. The crowd had departed now, everyone going back to their jobs, though everyone looked up and began whispering amongst themselves as the pair passed them. Ray felt his cheeks reddening with shame and he kept his eyes on the ground, trusting Geoff to keep him from walking into anything.

 

‘You okay?’ Geoff asked as they made their way up the stairs. Rays nose was bleeding heavily and he was struggling to hold back the tears. His nose hurt like hell, he had a pounding headache and Geoffs fingers on his wrists were stinging like fuck, despite how gentle the older man was being. He nodded slowly, a lump forming in his throat as the tears threatened to fall. He pulled his wrist free from his boss’ grasp.

 

‘I… I’m ok...’ he muttered, backing slightly away. ‘C… can I just go… I don’t… wanna be here… right now...’

 

Geoff stared at him, concern written all over his features. ‘On one condition. Some takes you home and cleans you up before they leave.’

 

‘Can’t I…’ Ray sighed as he watched Geoff. ‘Fine…’ he conceded, realising he wasn’t getting out of this one. Geoff gave the younger man a small smile just as pounding footfalls sounded on the stairs behind them. Geoff looked up as Joel reached the top, having just returned from the Ray search. He saw Ray and relief flooded his features.

 

‘Oh thank God you’re okay Ray.’ Joel cried, throwing himself at the younger man and pulling him into a fierce hug. He held Ray at arms length grinning widely. Joel then frowned, taking in the blood covering the younger man’s face. ‘Or not. What happened?’

 

‘Gavin.’ Was all Geoff said and Joel’s face contorted in anger.

 

‘What in the fuck is wrong with him?’ Joel shouted. ‘He finds out his friend is-’

 

‘Leave it, Joel. I’ll deal with Gav.’ Geoff said, placing a hand on the small of Rays back. ‘Could you take Ray home and clean him up?’

 

‘Sure thing,’ Joel said, still angry. ‘C’mon Ray.’ He wrapped an arm around Rays shoulders and guided him back downstairs to retrieve his bag.

 

\---

 

Three hours later, when Joel finally left Ray alone in his apartment, the dark-haired boy broke down. He pulled his smokes and pills from his bag and glared at the small bottle. He quickly lit a smoke, choking on it slightly as he cried.

 

‘Fucking things...’ he muttered, getting to his feet, not even remembering when he sat on the floor. He glared harder at his pill bottle, as if willing it to do something magical.

 

‘Fucking things...’ he muttered again before launching them out the open window. ‘Fucking useless… Don’t do anything for me anymore. Fucking shit. Need something stronger.’ He paused, took several more pulls on his cigarette and started pacing the small living room. ‘Fucking things.’ he repeated. ‘Need something stronger. Gotta get something stronger. Need something stronger. No effect. No effect, no effect at all. Fucking things. Need something stronger.’

 

The way he saw it, he had two options. First; retrieve the bottle from wherever it had landed outside and continue using those, though he was sure they weren’t doing anything what-so-ever for him anymore. He never really got a high from them - how could he, they were headache and sleeping pills - but a certain calming sensation took him over and he’d enjoyed that.

 

‘No effect.’ he muttered again, still pacing. ‘Nothing. No effect, no effect at all. Need something stronger. Fucking things.’

 

His second option was riskier. He’d go into town, the dodgy side where you just didn’t go if you were civilized. He would find a drug dealer, assuming he knew what one looked like when he saw one. But they were always looking for new customers. He could probably score something way better than headache and sleeping pills. Hopefully something that would make him seem like his old self. That would be great. At least that way he’d get Geoff off his back.

 

Maybe.

 

Making the decision was ultimately quicker than he thought it would be. He grabbed his hoodie, keys and wallet from his bag and left, shoving his cigarette roughly into his mouth, not caring that he wasn’t supposed to be smoking in the halls. He plugged his headphones into his phone and chose music at random, not looking where he was going, before shoving the earbuds into his ears.

 

He passed the lift, swore and back tracked. Hammering the down button, he flicked his half finished cigarette away, not looking to see where it landed.

 

‘Fucking thing...’ he muttered, kicking the doors and pulling another smoke out. As he lit this one, he noticed the out of order sign and kicked the doors again. He made for the stairs, flicking his ash haphazardly over the railing.

 

He heard an angry gasp on the stairs below and to the right of him and spotted a blonde woman and her three young children. She didn’t look happy, pulling her children behind her as Ray passed. He glared at her.

 

‘What are you looking at?’ he snapped, purposely blowing smoke at her. She tutted and pushed her children in front of her, ushering them up the stairs and away from the dark-haired boy.

 

‘Yeah, fucking run.’ he called after her. Then, muttering darkly to himself, he reached the lobby, pulled his hood up, ducked his head and left the building, walking quickly into the night. He didn’t hear a concerned Joel calling after him.

 

Thirty-five minutes later, he reached the more edgy side of town. Run down shops and apartment buildings that had seen better days surrounded him and he kept his eyes opening, scanning the people around him and trying to throw them into stereotypes.

 

_Hooker, junkie, homeless, hooker, hooker, homeless, metal head..._

 

He stopped suddenly as something hit him. He’d seen a stereotypical junkie, with the faraway gaze on his face, dark rings under his eyes and the strong smell of weed that lingered the man, it hadn’t been hard for Ray to pick him out.

 

 _But what the fuck would a drug dealer look like?_ He thought, glaring at the people that walked passed him. _Clean cut? Suit? Gaunt looking? Trampy?_

 

Sighing, he entered the nearest shop, grabbing a bottle of whatever his hand grabbed first - it happened to be whisky - and storming to the counter. He asked for two packs of his cigarette brand and all but threw the money at the poor cashier. He muttered a half-hearted thanks before grabbing his stuff and sulking out of the shop, not even waiting for his change.

 

He found a darkened alley and sat on the floor, gulping his whiskey down quickly, grimacing at the taste. He gave himself another two choices, finding it easier to get things done if he proceeded that way.

 

His first option was to go back to the shop, grab some more whiskey, then head home. It was the simpler of the two choices, it wouldn’t cost him nearly as much as the second would, but wouldn’t have half the impact he needed. The only bright side to this plan was that he wasn’t sat on the floor in a darkened alley where any one of his co-workers could find him. Granted he didn’t think they would come this way, but knowing his luck recently...

 

His second option, again, was riskier. He’d passed some hookers earlier. He could go up to them and ask them to take him to their boss. Buy the drugs off of him, then go home, get fucked up on whatever he buys plus the whiskey, then perhaps he might even be able to get some sleep.

 

 _Pimps double as drug dealers, right?_ he asked himself, frowning.

 

Seeing that as his better option, he finished the whiskey in his hand and stumbled onto the main street again, heading back to where he’d found those hookers.

 

When he got back there, two of them had disappeared - either gone home by themselves or they’d scored for the night and Ray was willing to bet it was the latter. The third looked insanely bored, hip cocked out and picking at her nails. He stopped in front of her.

 

She perked up seeing him, irate as he was, and moved in seductively. ‘Hey baby.’ she said, making her voice all husky. ‘How ya doin’ tonight?’

 

‘Not at all interested in that.’ Ray muttered bluntly and she pulled away from him, glaring.

 

‘Then fuck off.’ she said, folding her arms around her chest and stepping back. ‘Ain’t interested in Candy, I don’t fucking know. Whatchu doin’ comin’ up in here acting all mopey and shit. Get outta here, creep, fuck off.’

 

‘Woah, shit. Calm the fuck down.’ Ray snapped. ‘I want some fucking drugs you fucking whore. You know anyone who can get me some fucking drugs?’ He shoved his hands into his pockets so he wasn’t wringing his hands nervously and began muttering again. ‘Been… taking shit… Crap shit. Need something stronger.’ She studied him carefully, trying to decide if he was an undercover cop or not. ‘Gotta get something stronger. Need something stronger. They don’t work anymore. Need something. Gotta get anything. Stronger. Definitely needs to be stronger.’

 

‘Okay baby, this way.’ she said at last, cautiously taking his hand in hers and lacing their fingers together, leading him down a new darkened alley and through the back door of a bar. ‘Don’t you ever be talkin’ to Candy like that again, mother fucker. Ain’t interested in fucking Candy. I will bitch slap you where you stand if you talk to Candy like that again, you got that mother fucker?’

 

Ray barely had a chance to nod before she was calling to someone else. He hadn’t even realised they were now in a VIP room where a large man sat alone at a table, smoking a cigar and typing avidly into a laptop. Two bodyguards stood, one on either side of the fat man, not making a sound.

 

‘Hey Daddy, I got a bloke here who wants to be your new best friend.’ she laughed, addressing her boss and leading Ray over to the large man. She leaned in to whisper to the large man, but not quietly enough and Ray heard every word. ‘He keeps repeating that he needs something stronger. I don’t know what that means. Pretty sure he’s crazy, Daddy.’ Ray could practically see the dollar signs in the large mans eyes.

 

The fat man smiled widely, revealing several gold teeth. ‘Thank you, Candy.’ he waved her away and indicated the empty seat opposite him. Ray nodded and sat obediently. ‘What can I do for you, Mr…?’

 

‘Just call me Ray.’ Ray muttered, looking at his hands, unable to believe he was about to do this. When had his life become _that_ bad that he was about to resort to illegal substances?

 

‘Well, Ray,’ the fat man said, still smiling that wide, toothy grin. ‘What can I do for you?’ he repeated.

 

‘Need something stronger.’ Ray muttered, still not looking up. ‘What can I get for $400?’

 

Mr fat man studied Ray quietly before reaching into his pocket and pulling out two well-stuffed baggies of white powder. He shook them once before throwing them to Ray. They landed on the table just in front of him and the younger man stared at them, still unable to believe what he was doing.

 

 _Cocaine?_ he thought to himself, eyeing the baggies carefully. _Or Heroine?_

 

He looked curiously at Mr fat man without saying a word. No needles were handed to him. Nor anything else. Ray swallowed thickly. Slowly, he pulled out his wallet, fished out several $50 bills and placed them on the table in front of him. Mr fat man grinned widely at him once more.

 

‘This is pretty strong?’ Ray asked cautiously. Mr fat man nodded and smiled again. Ray hesitated only a fraction of a second longer before sliding the money across the table. Mr fat man’s smiled widened - if that was even possible - and he stood, tucking the money the chest pocket of his jacket before holding out his hand.

 

‘Pleasure doing business with you, Ray.’ he said as Ray grasped his hand. ‘I hope to see you again soon.’

 

Ray nodded and left the building quickly, exiting the same way he came in. When he was back on the streets, he hastily stashed the baggies in his jeans pocket. He’d save them for the moment he got home. He looked around to see if there was anyone watching him, pulled his hoodie over his head and made quick steps home, practically running all the way there. And he prayed to anyone who’d listen that no one who knew him would see him leaving the dodgy side of town.

 

Twenty minutes later, he was coming up the stairs of his apartment building and racing his way to his apartment. He slammed his door and ripped off his hoodie, throwing it and his wallet across the room. He pulled out a smoke and lit it quickly, taking the baggies carefully from his pocket at the same time.

 

Slowly, he made his way into his bathroom, studying the bags and taking long pulls on his smoke. As nervous as it made him, he was eager to try his purchase, eager to get his mind off of everything that was plaguing him at the moment.

 

More than anything else, he wanted to stop thinking about Gavin Free and how his ‘friend’ had punched him in the face, almost breaking his nose.

 

He placed the baggies on the counter and hastily made his way to the kitchen, grabbing a straw that used to be there for parties. Once back in the bathroom, he hesitated for the shortest of times; one quick look in the remnants of the mirror was all he needed to grow the balls to do this.

 

He tipped some of the powder on to the counter and used his finger to straighten the line. He put the straw in his nose and held his free nostril with his other hand and leant down, counting himself down before he did anything.

 

_Three._   
  


_Two._

  
_One._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So there it is :D Hope it was worth it ^.^
> 
> Chapter three is looking like dirt right now so I'll get it fixed up and hopefully have it up on a more regular basis. Let's see how goes ^.^
> 
> As always, comments and a thumbs are my friends ;)
> 
> \- S  
> x


	3. Chapter Three

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't know why you had like 2 sets of authors notes at the bottom of the last chapter so instead I'll say everything I want to say here! :D
> 
> It's not alot....
> 
> But anyways, I realise that Michael isn't as stupid as he appears in this chapter, but he is kinda... clueless to the extent of everything going on so bare with me on that part.
> 
> Yeah that's all I've got! So on with the chapter!
> 
> As always, comments and thumbs up are my bestest friends :D
> 
> \- S  
> x

‘What do you mean you saw him doing something dodgy?’

 

Geoffs voice, though hushed, rang loudly in Rays ears. He paused, on his way to work, having only just made it when he heard the voices talking about him.

 

‘I told you.’ Joel insisted and Ray snuck forward, finding a small enough gap in the bushes for him to see through but not be seen himself. ‘I took him home, like you asked me to. Then I cleaned up his broken nose and -’

 

‘Gavin _broke_ it?’ Michael shouted. Geoff and Joel hissed at the younger man to be quiet and Michael balked, looking around him and apologising in a frantic whisper.

 

‘So anyway,’ Joel continued, turning his attention back to Geoff. ‘After I cleaned him up, he went to get changed and I fixed him something to eat. And by the way, that boy needs to go shopping more. There wasn’t a lot there that wasn’t out of date and growing stuff.’ Joel’s nose wrinkled in disgust at the mere memory of it and Ray frowned. ‘Oh hey, when did Ray start smoking? Cause, shit he had like three while we were eating, I couldn’t believe it.’ Joel asked, sidetracking himself in the way that only he could do.

 

‘Wait, Ray smokes now?’ Michael asked incredulously, turning to Geoff. ‘What the fuck will he do next? Start drinking? Maybe drugs?’ Ray bit his lip, not liking how close Michael had come to the truth.’

 

‘I don’t know.’ Geoff said with a sigh. ‘I saw him leaving Griffs birthday thing last week. He didn’t say goodbye to anyone so I followed him and stopped him outside to have a chat. He was smoking then, too, so I honestly don’t know. FYI, Joel, I figured he hasn’t been eating properly for a while now. I mean, have you seen just how much weight he’s lost?’

 

Joel wasn’t listening to the tattooed man. Instead, he was rummaging around in his bag. Ray heard a harsh rattle as Joel finally found what he was looking for.

 

‘Do you know what these are?’ he asked the other two, tipping several pills into his hand and letting them see.

 

‘Joel, we don’t give a fuck, just tell us what you mean when you said Ray did something dodgy.’ Geoff sighed, running a shaking hand over his head.

 

‘I’m getting to that.’ Joel snapped, glaring at his long time friend. ‘Just hear me out and tell me what you think these are.’

 

‘I don’t know.’ Geoff sighed again, taking a closer look. ‘Asprin?’

 

‘That one is.’ Joel said, picking it up and throwing it back in the bottle. ‘This one is Alprazolam.’ Ray saw Michael frown as Joel put that one back in the bottle too. ‘Xanax.’ He explained, looking back at his hand as quietly studying the remaining three pills in his hand. ‘This is Amitriptyline.’ He threw that in the bottle. ‘This is Citalopram.’ He threw that back in too. ‘And finally, this is Fluoxetine.’

 

Finally all the pills were back in the bottle and Joel replaced it in his bag.

 

‘Obviously you know what the first two are; painkillers and sleeping pills. The other three are anti-anxiety pills.’

 

‘How do you know that?’ Michael quipped, raising an eyebrow. Joel, who had paused mid ramble with his mouth open, huffed and frowned at the younger man.

 

‘I’ve had to take them at one point or another in my life.’ Joel said, rubbing the back of his neck. ‘But that’s my point right there. One time or another. Not all at the same time. You shouldn’t take half of those together; it could kill you if you’re not careful.’

 

‘What’s your point?’ Michael asked, looking more confused than ever. Joel sighed.

 

‘That bottle was thrown out of Ray’s apartment window last night. About five minutes later, I saw Ray making a dash for it out of the building.’ Joel paused, letting his meaning sink in. What he said next almost made Ray faint.

 

‘So he goes into this supermarket, right? Opposite side of town, though, you know where the hookers work? Anyways, he’s in there all of like five minutes. Comes out with a bottle and hides in an alley, presumably drinking it. Then he talks to this hooker and follows her into The Right Wing.’

 

‘Think he banged her?’ Michael asked, half jokingly.

 

‘I don’t  know. The place isn’t exactly known for its pleasant patrons. So, maybe.’ Joel paused and through the small gap in the bushes, Ray saw the older man run his hands over his tired eyes. ‘Honestly, I don’t think he was in there long enough. Ten minutes. Tops. Comes out all shifty like and races home. Bathroom light stays on all night.’ Joel shrugged.

 

‘You watched his place all night?’ Geoff asked, disbelieving. Joel nodded and shrugged.

 

‘I was worried, what else was I supposed to do?’

 

Geoff looked uneasily at Michael before continuing. ‘What about… those bandages?’

 

‘Bandages?’

 

Joel just shook his head. ‘He got changed in his bedroom. Wouldn’t let me in.’

 

‘What bandages?’

 

‘You didn’t see anything?’ Joel shook his head again and Geoff sighed. ‘Maybe he was telling the truth about that at least.’

 

‘What bandages?’ Michael whined, looking anxiously between the two older men. Geoff sighed again.

 

‘Last week I noticed he had a bandages over his left arm. I asked him about it and he said he did it falling down the stairs. I guess he was telling the truth but… I don’t know. I’m just worried about him.’ Geoff sighed and sunk into a crouch, holding his head in his hands.

 

Michal bit his lip and leant down, rubbing his boss’ shoulder. ‘We all are Geoff.’

 

‘We need to talk to him. Find out what’s really going on.’ Joel muttered, rubbing thoughtfully at his chin. Geoff and Michael nodded their agreement and Geoff got to his feet again.

 

‘I’ll get him to come to lunch with me. Meet us at subway later? I’ll text you both when we’re heading that way.’

 

The other two men nodded their agreement but Ray didn’t see. He’d fled, running all the way back to his apartment.

 

\---

 

‘Ray’s back!’ Jack called, pulling the youngest Achievement Hunter into a hug. ‘Where ya been all week, buddy? How’s your nose?’

 

Ray’s smile faltered slightly as the bearded man made mention of his broken nose, but the cocaine coursing through his veins quickly rid him of negative thoughts and his smile picked up again quickly.

 

‘In bed with the flu.’ Ray gave a flamboyant sigh, snugging for effect. ‘Still a bit bunged up but I’ll be back to my old self in no time.’

 

Michael gave him a curious look but didn’t say anything. Michael’s eyes drifted to the younger man’s wrists, where he saw white bandages poking out from beneath both of his hoodie sleeves. He sighed and averted his eyes. Geoff was gonna have a nervous breakdown when he found out about those.

 

For all intents and purposes, Ray had become his old chipper self again and during the current Minecraft Lets Play they were recording, he laughed and joked with Jack and Michael, teamed up with Ryan to reform the R’n’R connection, and openly teased Geoff every time he fucked something up. He completely ignored Gavin.

 

‘Mi-cool no!’ Gavin screeched as Michael killed him again. Michael burst into fits of hysterical laughter. ‘Why would you do that, Mi-cool?’

 

‘To see that dumb look on your face.’ Michael chortled, holding his sides. ‘That couldn’t have gone any better.’

 

‘One. Two. Three. Four.’ Ray counted, erecting the Tower Of Pimps for the first time in a long time. ‘Hey, look. I win.’

 

‘What the fuck?’ Geoff shouted from the other side of the room. ‘No fucking way!’

 

‘Yay!’ Ray cried, throwing roses over everyone. ‘Roses for days!’

 

‘Alright.’ Geoff laughed. ‘Let’s stop!’

 

Still laughing and joking around, everyone turned their equipment off and pulled their headphones from their heads. They congratulated Ray - well, everyone but Gavin did - and packed their things together, readying themselves for a well deserved lunch break.

 

‘I’m gonna get subway.’ Geoff declared, catching Michael’s eye. ‘Anyone care to join me?’

 

Ray politely refused, muttering something about having brought lunch in from home. Gavin had a lunch date with one of the many girls he was currently playing, so he declined too. Jack and Ryan had already left, off in search to find pizza, apparently.

 

‘I’ll go.’ Michael chirped, clapping Ray on the shoulder. ‘You should come too. My treat for the winner.’ He grinned and Ray sighed, weighing up his options. It would be so much easier to just go and get it over with, wouldn’t it? Of course, he hadn’t forgotten the conversation he’d overheard just last week. As long as he was on his guard, he should be fine.

 

He hoped.

 

But he wanted a line first.

 

‘Fine.’ He conceded. ‘But I’m not a cheap date, just so you know.’ he chuckled, pointing a warning finger at Michael. The older boy grinned as Ray excused himself to the bathroom first, hoping beyond hope that a line or two would keep him going through the rest of the day. Or at least get him through lunch.

 

He raced up the stairs, checked to see if anyone was following him, then went inside, locking the door behind him. There didn’t seem to be anyone in there, so he quickly tipped two straight lines onto the counter, pulled the straw from his bag and leant in.

 

He exhaled happily when he’d finished, mopping up the last of the first line with his finger and rubbing it eagerly over his gums. He gave himself a few moments breather then leant down the for the second line.

 

‘What in the fuck are you doing?’

 

Joel’s voice rang out through the bathroom and Ray jumped. He span around fast to face the older man, accidentally brushing his hand through the white powder on the counter.

 

‘Please tell me that wasn’t what I thought it was?’ Joel asked, eyebrows shooting upwards and almost disappearing into his hairline. Ray’s eyes widened and he spun back to the counter. biting his lip as he studied the mess before him.

 

‘No...’ he muttered, dropping to his knees, attempting to retrieve all of what he could. ‘No, no, no.’

 

He licked his finger and wiped it over the floor, hastily trying to save it, when Joel grabbed him from behind and pulled him away.

 

‘NO!’ Ray screamed, struggling against the older man, trying desperately to get away and save it. ‘NO! PLEASE! LET ME GO! PLEASE JOEL! PLEASE! I NEED IT! PLEASE, LET ME GO!’

 

‘CALM DOWN, RAY!’ Joel shouted back, fighting hard to drag the youngest Hunter away. ‘Please. Calm down.’ Joel’s voice softened and he cupped Ray’s face in his hands, forcing Ray to look away. His chocolate eyes bore into Ray’s brown ones and Rays struggles finally lessened.

 

A sob broke through from the back of Ray’s throat and, suddenly, he threw himself at the older man, crying freely into his chest. Joel tensed at the sudden change and full-body contact, but the heart-wrenching sobs made him bite his lip and sigh. He slowly, cautiously, wrapped his arms around Rays small body and held him close, holding the dark-haired boys head close to his chest.

 

‘Please...’ Ray whimpered, grip tightening on Joel’s baggy hoodie. ‘Please… I need it… Please Joel...’

 

Joel hushed the younger man, holding him close and rocking him back and forth ever so slightly.

 

‘It’s okay.’ Joel muttered, stroking Rays hair softly, trying to calm him further. ‘It’s okay. I promise. It’s okay.’

 

Slowly, Ray began to calm down, though occasionally his eyes flitted in the direction of the white powder spilled across the floor. He wrapped his arms around the older man, seeking the warmth he provided, and sobbed into his chest.

 

‘It’s okay.’ Joel repeated, pressing a soft kiss to Rays forehead without even thinking about it.

 

‘J-Joel...’ Ray whimpered, his eyes shut tight, as tight as he could get them. ‘P-please… You c-can’t… can’t tell anyone… p-please...’

 

‘Ray...’ Joel sighed, feeling his eyes fill with tears. ‘I can’t keep this to myself… You need help.’

 

‘No… No! Please! Please Joel!’ Ray cried, his voice getting louder. He pulled away from the older man, eyes widening and Joel could see now just how blood-shot they were. ‘Please! I c-can’t… can’t d-deal with them… hate… hating me…’ Ray shook his head and reburied himself in that overly baggy hoodie once more. ‘They… they already hate me… so much… I c-can’t… Please… Please...’

 

‘Oh Ray...’ Joel sighed and he knew it wouldn’t take much more persuasion after that. He ran a hand through his already messy hair and scratched nervously at the back of his neck. ‘They don’t hate you.’

 

Ray muttered another sad please, sniffing loudly. Joel sighed again.

 

‘Fine...’ he muttered and Ray’s head snapped up, eyes disbelieving. Joel pulled him back, biting his lip and knowing this was the worst decision he’d ever made. ‘Fine… I won’t say a thing.’ Ray muttered a slew of thank you’s, muffled more so by the hoodie. ‘But,’ Joel added and he felt the young gamers breath hitch. ‘You _have_ to talk to me. Any time you so much as _think_ about using, you _come to me_. Deal’s off if you don’t. I’ll go straight to Geoff. Or Michael. And get you the proper help you need. Understand?’

 

Ray hesitated, then barely nodded. Joel sighed and shook his head in return.

 

‘No. Promise me.’ he insisted, gripping Rays shoulders and holding him away at arms length. ‘Promise me, verbally, that you’ll talk to me. Or I go to Geoff right this minute.’

 

‘No!’ Ray cried, fighting out of Joel’s grasp and backing away from him. ‘No! Please! I promise! I promise I’ll talk to you! Please...’

 

Joel crawled across the dirty bathroom floor and wrapped the gamer in another tight embrace. ‘Okay, okay.’ he all but whispered. ‘You’ll get through this, Ray. I promise. I’ll help you get through this.’

 

They sat in silence on the floor of the bathroom for a further five minutes, Ray still clinging to the older man for dear life, his sobs slowly dissolving into hiccups.

 

The door suddenly rattled as someone tried to get in, Joel and Ray jumped, throwing themselves apart as Burnies voice seeped through the door.

 

‘What the fuck? Hey Blaine, any idea why this door is locked?’

 

‘Give me a minute!’ Joel called, speaking quickly without really letting his brain keep up with his mouth. He glanced at Ray and said the first thing that slipped out. ‘Ray’s had a bit of an accident. We didn’t want anyone to freak out.’

 

‘Joel?’ Burnie sounded surprised. ‘What do you mean? What happened in there?’ The door rattled again before Burnie banged his fist against it. ‘Joel, open up now.’

 

Joel pulled Ray to his feet and told him not to move, quickly calling for Burnie to give him another minute. He quickly moved to clean up Rays mess and slipped the half empty baggie in his jean pocket before the young gamer saw. He splashed some water on the floor where most of the white powder had spilled and stepped to the door.

 

‘Just… pretend you slipped in that water and were too embarrassed to let anyone see you cry or something, okay?’ Joel instructed, regretting now more than ever that he’d decided to keep his mouth shut about Ray. The gamer nodded, barely again, and wiped at his eyes with his sleeve as the older man unlocked the door.

 

‘What’s going on, Joel? What happened in - hey Ray, are you okay buddy?’ Burnie, Blaine and Jordan had pushed their way into the small bathroom the moment the door was unlocked, stopping short as they saw the younger man stood by the cubicles, still crying slightly. Ray nodded weakly.

 

‘I… I slipped...’ he muttered, pulling gently at the bandages covering his right arm. ‘Didn’t see the water… sorry Joel...’ he added, glancing at the actor. ‘Didn’t mean to be such a pussy…’

 

Joels eyes softened again and he could feel his heart break at the dark-haired boys vulnerability. He smiled softly at him and patted his shoulder, muttering a soft ‘it’s okay’ before letting his arm drop.

 

‘I… I’m supposed to be h-having lunch with Michael and Geoff...’ Ray said before quickly snatching his discarded bag from the floor. ‘Thanks… Joel...’

  
He left quickly and it was a full three days before Joel realised the bandages were on Rays right arm, not his left.


	4. Chapter Four

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So here we go with Chapter Four.
> 
> So sad to hear that today is Ray's last day with Achievement Hunter and I gotta admit, it feels kinda weird to be posting this today, but if I didn't get it out, my colleague will kill me (she wants it out already lmao)
> 
> Anyways, here goes something, and as always, I hope you enjoy ^.^

Joel stuck true to his word, making up excuses to take Ray home and keep his eye on the gamer. Michael and Geoff were happy with this little arrangement, even if they didn’t know the reasons behind it. Someone was looking after their friend and that was all that mattered to them. Though they did try to get Joel to tell them what was going on.

All he ever said was 'I'm just worried about the kid is all'.

At 5.30 that Thursday evening, the Achievement Hunters were packing away their things after a particularly long Minecraft Lets Play. They chatted animatedly about their plans for the evening and even Ray found himself joining in with the conversation, talking happily with Michael about their play date that night. They'd planned to have a game night about six weeks ago, just him, Lindsay and Michael, but Lindsay had caught a cold and Michael had to cancel to look after her.

They spent thirty minutes just milling around, still chatting and causing general havoc. At one point, Gavin joined Michael and they - somehow - started wrestling. Geoff stood to one side, filming the whole thing and laughing with Ryan about a new RT Life episode playing out right before them. Jack was on the phone on the other side of the office, one finger plugged into his ear as he strained to hear whomever he was talking to.

Ray sat on the other side of the office, resting himself on the couch by the door and white-knuckling his bag strap, watching Gavin and Michael go at it. He smiled, hoping Gavin won and daydreaming about how he could maybe get away with giving the Brit a congratulatory kiss if he did win. Despite still being sour with the older lad, he still wanted to know what their lips would feel like togther.

The door opened and Joel poked his head into the noisy office. He gave Michael and Gavin a strange look before glancing around the room with a stupid grin on his face.

'Knock, knock!' He called cheerily, letting himself into the mad house. Ray caught his eye and the pair shared a small smile. 'Ray, just the person I wanted to see.' He said, side-stepping the wrestling pair and taking up his station at Rays side. 'I hope you're not busy tonight. Burnie had to drop out of the podcast and I may have volunteered you to take his place.'

Ray opened his mouth to argue, then frowned and refrained himself. Without a word, he nodded and dropped his bag back under his desk, following the older man silently out of the office. Michael called after him, saying they’d reschedule their play date.

Ray sighed; he’d been looking forward to gaming with Michael that evening and not having to worry about recording anything. Now he had to be on the stupid podcast with stupid Joel Heyman for a whole stupid hour. He was not happy. Joel gave him a sideway glance.

'I'm sorry.' He muttered, noticing the sour look on Rays face. 'I'm just... worried about you okay?' He stopped short, rubbing his hands over his face. 'Look,' he said suddenly, grabbing Rays arm and pulling him to the side of the hall and leaning against the wall. Ray opted to stand away from the wall and he eyed the man quietly. 'I've dealt with my fair share of problems. Some of them have been my own. Some have been friends. But this,' he pointed at Ray. He didn't have to say any more than that; both of them knew what he was talking about. 'This is completely new to me. I've never had this happen to someone I care about, okay? I'm just doing what I think is right, considering my promise to you.'

Ray nodded weakly, grimacing at the stinging grip Joel had on his arm and silently wishing the actor would let go soon. As if reading Rays mind, Joel released his arm and scratched his neck.

'Look, I feel like I've ruined some plans for you tonight. But I'll make it up to you.' He promised, resting a comforting hand on Rays shoulder. 'After we're done with the podcast, I'll take you home, order some take out and play some Halo or something, okay? What d'you say?'

Ray nodded without even thinking about it. He knew his co-worker (or were they friends now?) was only trying to help, but deep down he also knew there was no helping him. He'd never have the guts to admit his feelings to Gavin. Let alone admit to anyone he was gay, not after how his father took it.

And while he'd been trying hard to stay away from the cocaine and the mystery Mr Fat Man, his arms were littered with new cuts, he'd been to the supermarket and gotten himself more sleeping pills and painkillers (as well as some other things he couldn't quite remember the names of) and his fridge was slowly filling up with booze. And while he pretended he'd bought them for when Joel was over, the actor rarely drank around him and yet the supply was still diminishing and in constant need of refilling.

But, perhaps, he should be nicer about this whole thing with Joel. Perhaps he should humour the older man at least.

'Shall we get on with the podcast then? I could kill a pizza right about now.' He asked, forcing a smile to grace his features. Joel studied him curiously for a few more seconds, wondering whether or not he should press the other issue that was on his mind.

Those bandages.

Geoff had said they were on Rays left arm. And when Ray had shown them to Burnie that day in the bathroom, they'd been on his right arm instead. Now, every time he saw the kid, he got his attention by grabbing his arm if he could, subtly studying his reaction. And Joel made a point to grab a different arm each time.

Every time, Ray winced, no matter what arm Joel grabbed. There was definintely something going on there that Ray wasn't talking about and Joel was determined to get it out of him somehow.

 _Great._ He thought as they started back to the podcast set. _One more thing to worry about._

\---

When Ray finally managed to get his game night with Michael and Lindsay the next night, Joel had somehow managed to worm himself an invitation. He knew Michael would keep an eye on the youngest Hunter, but he didn’t know what Ray got up to after he left him every night. And knowing what he knew now, he wanted to make doubly sure that the kid went into the bathroom empty handed and came out in a decent amount of time.

He may have his own state of mind to worry about half the time but that didn’t mean he was stupid.

Then again, neither was Ray.

The third time he went to the bathroom that evening, he snapped at Joel for asking for his phone yet again.

‘What’s wrong with your phone?’ he asked, glaring at the older man.

Joel blinked stupidly and simply replied, ‘the screen is cracked.’ It wasn’t entirely a lie either, the screen was in fact cracked but it made no difference in using the phone itself. But he just wanted to make sure Rays pockets were empty when he left. As in, no distinctive smack bulge. Ray glowered at him.

‘Use Michaels phone then.’ he said with a huff that made Lindsay laugh. Poor, poor Lindsay who was blissfully unaware of the tension between the three men.

‘Yeah, Joel, don’t crowd him. He wants to have five minutes to himself to text his girlfriend and jerk off.’ She laughed at her own wit before adding, ‘Just don’t get anything on the rug or you’ll be cleaning it up.’

Ray gave her a weak smile and left, feeling the burn of Joel’s eyes on his back until the door shut behind him. The older man sighed and got to his feet, stretching.

‘Michael, where are your beers?’ he asked, getting frustrated and feeling the need to loosen up with a drink.

‘In the fridge. Help yourself.’ Joel nodded and went to the kitchen. He pulled a beer out and began hunting for a bottle opener. Michael appeared at his side, an empty chip bowl in his hand and a hard glare on his face.

‘Ok, what’s going on?’ He asked, handing Joel the bottle opener. The older man thanked him but shook his head. ‘Joel, you can’t lie to me. There’s something going on that you’ve not told me and Geoff. Now. I wanna know what it is.’

Joel bit his lip, his mind and heart warring between the two options now laying before him; break his promise and betray his friend or do what he should have done in the first place and tell someone, getting Ray the help he needed.

'Nothing's going on.' He said eventually, sighing heavily. 'I tried to get Ray to talk to me the other night, but it didn't work and we ended up arguing, that's all.' Joel scoffed, smiling to himself. 'Man, I make it sound like we're an old married couple or something, huh?'

Michael raised his eyebrows but didn’t say anything. Ray came into the kitchen just then, noticing the awkward atmosphere and hurriedly grabbing himself a soda.

‘Everything okay?’ he asked, looking everywhere but at his friends. Michael nodded, looking suddenly furious.

‘Yeah, but I’m not feeling great.’ He said sourly, glaring death at Joel. ‘I know its early but shall we call it a night?’

Ray bit his lip and glanced at Joel, nodding weakly. ‘Yeah, sure.’ He muttered, hoping that Joel had done any permanent damage.

‘C’mon.’ Joel said, quickly finishing his beer. ‘I’ll drive you home.’ Ray raised an eyebrow, nodding towards the now empty beer bottle. ‘I’ve only had one, I’ll be fine.’ He said with a shrug.

Ray wasn’t so sure but he followed the older man out after muttering his good-bye to a very confused Lindsay and the short car journey was made in total silence. When they made it back, still early evening, Joel headed straight for the kitchen to make them some dinner.

Ray leant on one of the counters, arms folded over his chest and a scowl slowly forming on his normally soft features.

‘What happened between you and Michael?’ He asked, trying to keep his temper in check.

Joel paused what he was doing, back to Ray, and his shoulders tensed. ‘Nothing.’ He muttered, busying himself in the fridge and trying to find something edible.

‘Joel, please don’t lie to me.’ Ray grumbled.

‘I’m not.’ Joel insisted, extracting himself from the fridge and sighing, facing the young gamer. ‘He said he knew something was up between us and he wanted to know what.’

Ray blanched, suddenly going very white. He started moving away from Joel, eyes wide, shaking his head.

‘Please tell me you didn’t.’ he said, his voice cracking and tears stinging in his eyes.

‘No, I didn’t!’ Joel snapped, his voice raising. He slammed his fist on the counter, making Ray jump. ‘Against my better judgement, I might add. I just told him we had an argument.’

Rays shoulders slumped and he visibly relaxed. ‘S-sorry. Thank… Thank you...’ He muttered, hanging his head.

He turned to leaving, intending to let the actor get on with his cooking, when Joel grabbed his arm and pulled him back.

‘No.’ He said, sighing and rubbing his eyes with his free hand. ‘I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have snapped at you.’

Ray patted his arm awkwardly, not knowing what to say. Joel sighed again, suddenly aching for human touch, and pulled Ray close. Ray stiffened, suddenly engulfed in the actors hoodie. Slowly he felt his body relax as that same need washed over him. He snuggled into Joels warmth, tears running down his cheeks. Ray sniffed and Joel pulled back somewhat, glancing down at his young co-worker.

‘What’s the matter?’ he asked, his voice soft. Unusually so. Ray just shook his head, a slew of apologies and thank yous emanating from somewhere in the hoodie. ‘Hey,’ he said, gently lifting Rays chin with his fingers and forcing the gamer to look at him. ‘Nothing to thank me for, okay? Or apologise for, for that matter.’

Ray nodded, not taking his eyes away from Joel’s. Joel swallowed thickly and licked his lips. Rays eyes darted down and followed the rapid movement, feeling himself leaning in. Joel, it seemed, was drawn in as well and their lips brushed together in a soft kiss. Rays eyes fluttered shut and he pushed forward into the kiss, running his tongue along Joels bottom lip, moaning slightly as the actor let him in readily. Joel’s hand slipped around his co-workers waist, pulling him closer and deepening the kiss further, though he knew this wasn’t the way to help Ray. Tears still stained Rays cheeks and they dampened Joels face.

Ray found himself reaching up and wrapping his arms around the older mans shoulders, wanting as much contact as possible. Joel tasted like beer, much like he imagined Gavin to taste like and he - .

Rays eyes snapped open, his senses flooding back to him.

_His apartment._

_His kitchen._

_Joels lips._

_Joel._

_Not Gavin._

He wrenched himself free of the older man, feeling as if he'd betrayed Gavin despite himself. He backed away, breathing heavily and his eyes wide. He tripped over the bin, falling back and landing with a loud 'oof'. He backed up further, his back hitting the wall.

'God...' he moaned, burying his face in his hands. His cheeks were warm. 'I'm... I'm so sorry...'

He scrabbled to his feet and dashed into his bedroom. The door slammed behind him and he could vaguely hear Joel calling after him. Choking on a sob, he threw anything and everything at the door, locking the older man out of his room cartoon style. He threw himself on the bed, grabbed his pillow and hugged it close, sobbing into the soft, barely used material, feeling his heart drop into his stomach every time Joel called his name.

Forty-five minutes later, he heard his front door close and he slowly drifted off into an uneasy sleep.

\---

Ray avoided Joel for the next three days, getting lifts home from Kerry or Michael or Geoff. Anyone who was available would do, really, as long as it wasn't Joel. Unfortunately, today, he'd managed to get himself so caught up in his work that when he finally looked away from his screen, he was the last person in the office.

A sticky note was stuck to the Snorlax plushie next to him, Michael's untidy scrawl telling him no one had wanted to interrupt him.

He sighed, knowing he was probably one of the last people left in the building and he'd probably have to walk home. It wasn't a long trek, he just really didn't want to.

So when Joel stuck his head around the AH office door, Ray was still at his desk. Headphones on. Working diligently on his editing.

They were alone in the building.

Joel entered the office and tapped the young gamer on the shoulder, making him jump. Joel gave him a sheepish smile.

‘Sorry,’ he mumbled, rubbing at the back of his neck. ‘Honestly, I didn’t expect you to be here.’

'Honestly, I didn't expect to be here either.' Ray replied as he began to pack his things away and close the equipment down. 'Everyone left without me knowing. So. Here I am. Stuck with you.'

He didn’t mean to let it sound so harsh, but it slipped out before he could stop it. Now it was too late. The damage was done and Joels previous calm countenance was stiff and rigid and angry. He turned around and headed to the door.

‘Well. Hurry up.’ He snapped. ‘I wanna get home A.S.A.P tonight, if your majesty is ok with that.’

Ray flushed crimson but didn’t reply, running to catch up with the older man. The car journey was, of course, made in silence.

Joel didn’t cook tonight. He was pissed off and didn’t want too. Instead, he ordered chinese and watched mindless drivel on Rays TV, eating quietly, a frown permanently glued to his face.

‘Joel...’ Ray said quietly, finally having the courage to speak to the actor. ‘I… I’m sorry… f-for what I said earlier...’ Joel grunted, choosing not to say anything. ‘And...’ Ray hesitated. ‘About the other day...’ Joel’s head snapped up, curious to hear what Ray had to say. ‘I’m… I’m sorry… I shouldn’t have… I mean… It’s… It’s okay if you wanna… like… not talk to me… and if… you hate me...’

Joel stared wordlessly at his co-worker, taking his words in and slowly processing them. He scoffed and looked back at the TV, letting himself get dragged under by the utter crap they were watching. ‘Dummy.’ he said before shoveling more food into his mouth. Neither of them said another word to each other for the rest of the night, both slowly falling back into the contentment they had previously shared.

When Joel had gone home and Ray had locked up, the youngest Achievement Hunter made his way into the bathroom. He stared at his reflection for a few minutes in the still cracked mirror, his brain trying to figure out what Joel had meant. The last thing he’d said to the younger man was ‘dummy’ and the single word was playing on Rays mind, taunting him.

 _What did he mean?_ he asked himself, frowning at the dark-haired boy staring back at him. _Does that mean he does hate me? Or that I’m dumb for thinking he does?_

Ray’s frown softened and before he realised what he was doing, he was digging through his drawers, still pondering that one word.

_Dummy._

The word bounced around in his head, echoing off the walls and slamming back into him. He couldn't fathom it. It didn't make sense in Rays head. Trying to figure out what Joel meant was like trying to figure out an enigma wrapped in a enigma. It just wasn't simple.

_Dummy._

He’d found what he was looking for, absentmindedly pouring the powder onto the counter and straightening the line. Joel may have been watching what he had in his pockets when they were at Michaels, but he would never have found anything. Because he didn't take it with him. It sat in the back of one of his drawers. Safe. Hidden.

_Dummy._

He headed into the kicthen, still pondering that word. It's meaning. He grabbed a beer and a straw, opening the bottle and taking a long drink. His brain was no longer in control of his actions, all possible thoughts concentrating on Joel and that word.

_Dummy._

He stared at his reflection again, not remembering how he made it back into the bathroom. He relieved himself, washed his hands and took another drink, careful not to mess his work.

_Dummy._

He leant down, the straw in his nose before he realised what was happening. He hesitated, just like he had the first time. This time for reasons he didn't know or understand.

_Dummy._

_**What in the fuck are you doing?** _

He snapped back to attention, some of his faculties coming back to him and he looked down at the counter. At was he was about to do. He paled and dropped the straw, backing away until his back hit the wall.

**_It’s okay._ **

**_J-Joel… P-please…_ **

Ray shook his head, sinking to his knees. He held his head in his hands, felt a sob rise in his throat. He couldn't do it. He couldn't break that promise.

**_Ray… I can’t… you need help…_ **

**_No… No! Please… They already hate me… so much… I c-can’t… please… please…_ **

**_Oh Ray…_ **

**_Please…_ **

He choked on a sob, looking back up at the broken mirror. He couldn't see himself, but he could imagine what he looked like. A broken man, just like the mirror. A broken man, clinging desperately to a promise that he knew he couldn't break.

It wasn't that he didn't want Joel to tell anyone what was going on. That was part of it, sure, but the other part - the main part - was the more important part. He didn't want to disappoint Joel.

He hugged himself, wrapping his arms around his body and cuddling into himself as much as he could. He buried his head in his arms, sobbing to himself. Hating himself for being weak. Hating himself for letting his past control him now. But not having the nerve to do anything to change that.

_**Fine… But… You have to talk to me… so much as think about using… come to me… Promise me…** _

_Joel…_ He thought, looking up, still crying. _Joel… I have… to get hold of Joel..._

He just had to get hold of Joel. If he managed that, then everything else would be okay. He wouldn't have to worry. He'd get through this. He would.

_**No! No! Please! I promise…** _

He pulled his phone from his pocket with shaking fingers, struggling to unlock the damned thing. He hit contacts and scrolled through to Joels number, hesitating, his finger hovering over the dial button.

_Dummy._

He hit dial, slowly bringing the phone up to his ear.

 _Please answer._ He thought as it rang. _Please tell me I didn’t completely fuck this up… Please… answer…_

_Dummy._

_**Okay… okay.... You’ll get through this… I promise… I’ll help you get through this…** _

‘Ray?’ Joel’s voice came through suddenly, loud and clear. Not a memory. Real. Safe. Joel.

'J-Joel...' Rays voice cracked and he choked out another sob. 'J-Joel...? I'm... I'm sorry...'

_I need you._

_**Dummy.** _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Things like happening on a Thursday in this huh? o.o But hey-ho, that's what my timeline is telling me to do :P
> 
> Hope y'all liked it :3
> 
> Comments and Kudos are still my bestest friends ;3
> 
> See ya in Chapter Five 
> 
> \- S  
> x


	6. Apologies

Hey guys, it's been a while!

 

I have some bad news;

 

Unfortunately, I've been having mass writers block and haven't been able to even begin the next chapter, let alone finish and post it.

Also, every time I tried, I found it exceedingly difficult to write Ray as a member of RT staff.

 

I will eventually try again with this one, while also trying my hand at perhaps a Naruto ship, so if you're interested in that, keep your eye out for it. (shameless self-promotion ftw ^.^)

 

Also keep your out for updates to Worthless too, cause it will happen, I promise!

 

Anyways, peace out for now guys ^.^

 

S x

**Author's Note:**

> You know the boy band poster? Yeah, I'm currently staring at that and apologising to Ray over and over again. I don't know exactly why I chose to torture him so, but alas, it is done.
> 
> Anyway, please let me know what you think. Comments and a thumbs up are my friends. Hell, if ya hate it, let me know too :D
> 
> \- S  
> x


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